Emotional kriya

Dear Bart,

I want to thank you for the workshops over the last three weeks. Even though it was difficult the first week because of this huge emotional kriya I have been going through (which actually started at the Mahsamadhi intensive - it erupted at the Harmonic Concordance), I found that being at the workshop helped calm my agitated mind and feelings. I am still struggling and feeling disconnected, but eventually I will work it out. 
I understand on an intellectual level what you are talking about but I am feeling very frustrated because I am not feeling it. I know it is not a matter of trying but no matter how much I want to experience this, it is not happening. I suspect it may be due to an over-active mind that wanders instead of focusing, or feeling shut-down. 
I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with us - sometimes it feels like you are looking into our minds. No one ever talks about the dark side, and the hard part of a spiritual path, the waves of depression. It is a relief to know that I am not the only one. Thank you also for talking about how you get bored sometimes chanting Jyota - sometimes I feel like I am going through the motions and I feel fraudulent. For now because I don't feel engaged or connected, I am doing what you suggested - staying quiet. And you can't really tell anybody this because you get judged for not being properly respectful and reverential. 
And you are right about playing and playfulness - it is hard and I found myself identifying with the same excuses you have used. 
So thank you again for discussing what nobody ever talks about - it helps tremendously, and again, thank you for sharing yourself and for being you! It is an honour and privilege to call you a friend. 
With much love and light 
- Meditation Workshop

Bart Smit's Classes